Saturday, July 22, 2017

ESNG (AI-Edition) - History Lesson

July 20, 2017

Nosey News-reading Perusers of Pertinent News and Facts Factually Found in the ESNG (AI-Edition),

  While the editors of the ESNG (AI-Edition) push their reporters to bring the latest breaking news to our readers, at times we see the need to visit the past with its wooden barrel of timeless lessons just waiting to be cracked open and poured over the heads of our modern readers. Today’s article will take us on just such a journey to the past.



Way back when in the 19th Century (that is the 1800’s for those who are “-th-century”-challenged), the large Dakota Territory of the United Stated was broken into smaller pieces. One of those pieces became the state of North Dakota with it prairies stretching as far as the eye could see. The tough-rooted prairie grass hid a rich soil beneath for those willing to do the work.

The story of North Dakota must include the buffalo (actually called bison). Around the 1890’s, the buffalo were nearly gone. Hunting had reduced their population to less than 1000. While such determined hunting  of the buffalo lead to their near-extinction, it proved to be a boon for another creature that made its home in the prairie grass of North Dakota (that creature is the hook of this article).

In the 1890’s, the government offered tracts of land free to men able to farm the land. It was hard work. The prairie grass had deep, heavy roots. As the sod was slowly overturned, it was used to build sod houses on the treeless prairie. Hard work revealed a rich soil underneath, waiting to become the breadbasket of the United States.

With such a fertile soil able to enrich any farmer with strength and a will, why did the government offer free land in North Dakota? What kept farmers from flocking to this new state (admitted to the union in 1889)?

Prairie Sharks! The large herds of buffalo thundering through the prairie grass kept the prairie sharks at bay. Many were trampled by the massive buffaloes. While the buffalo population was large, the prairie sharks were a poorly funded side-show on the circus of the prairie. As the buffalo population speedily decreased during the 19th century, the prairie shark population increased exponentially. At first there were rare sightings of them by hunters from the East come to hunt the mighty buffalo. Rumors and whispers spread through the Midwest and Eastern States. By 1889, when North Dakota became a state, every child to the East had learned fear through the stories of the prairie sharks.

This is the real reason many would-be pioneers avoided North Dakota with its rich land. This is the real reason land was given away free. Only the brave dared think about moving there. It was the free land that finally brought settlers to North Dakota. 

For the first several years of statehood, the settlers had their hands full combating the prairie sharks. They generally preyed on small animals. One year it seemed like not one single goat could be found in North Dakota. Sadly, the prairie sharks were even known to attack unsuspecting children who wandered too far from the security of the house and barnyard.

The prairie shark usually travels alone. However, when the prairie sharks gathered in schools (though this seldom occurred), they were deadly. One Summer in 1892, a whole community disappeared when a school of prairie sharks formed in that area. Informed of this tragedy by the lone survivor, the state militia was assembled to hunt down and destroy this school of prairie sharks. The militia succeeded, but not without casualties (it was during this campaign that General Custard lost his right hand to a bull prairie shark).

Prairie sharks have gills, but their gills are adapted to allow them to extract oxygen from the blades of the prairie grass. They often grow to be the size of a large dog, though reports of much larger prairie sharks were reported before their population was brought under control. As concern for buffaloes increased along with their population, the prairie sharks were slowly trampled back. A very intentional prairie shark hunting campaign in the first decade of the 20th Century also helped to beat back the tide of this most pestiferous pest.

Today, most people in the United States have not heard of prairie sharks. A few years back, the T.V. show X-Files had an episode about them, but few were convinced. Though almost unheard of now, they are not extinct. North Dakota to this day still finds occasion to offer land free.

And that is the rest of the story.

Saturday, June 10, 2017

ESNG (AI Edition) - Dangers of Pride

April 24, 2017

Dear Readers,

  Many people have warned of the dangers of pride throughout the centuries. Few take to heart those warnings until it is too late. The recent events described in this article only prove this once again.

This story picks up following the exciting events of the AI 2017 Tech Olympics. Of the members of the winning team, the Mean Machine, one member, standing too high, was destined for a fall. Yes, I am speaking of Marc, that famous setup tech who brought home four medals from the April 22, 2017 games. Pride was oozing from his pores as he walking into the warehouse Monday morning wearing all four medals around his neck.


Pride, known to blind even the wisest of men, lead Marc to do his work still wearing his medals.


Too little too late did he realize his folly. A wise man wrote long ago that pride comes before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall. If only he had taken it to heart. The very medals, of which Marc was so proud, were his downfall…


Caught by his pride (and his medals), Marc’s short career as a setup tech at Applied Imaging was over. A wide format machine box was still available for his burial. When asked for a comment, Marc’s co-worker K. wiped away his tears as he assured me that they were tears of laughter and not tears of sorrow.


We caution all our readers to learn from the mistakes of others. Don’t let this happen to you.

Thanks,

Marc

ESNG (AI Edition) - Warning: Cannibal Bunnies

April 20, 2017

WARNING!! WARNING!!

  Perhaps you are wondering what danger could merit capital letters with exclamation marks. The following story will make clear to all ESNG (AI Edition) readers that this is no needless alarm. Read with caution, as the following story involves violence and death.

Finding the true beginning of any story is no easy task. Not wanting to wear out your patience, we will begin with a bunny.


This bunny was a happy bunny, but also a naïve bunny. This poor, unsuspecting bunny did not take time to wonder about the group of bunnies that invited him for dinner.


“Come on over,” they said.


“It’ll be a fun time,” they said with their smooth tongue-edness. “Ha ha.” The laughter rang as the bunny gathered at the table with his new, though oddly shaped, bunny friends. The invited bunny smiled the smile of the ignorant. He still didn’t realize who had invited him, or what was to soon follow.


If only he had measured twice and cut once. Alas, our simple bunny friend soon discovered too late that he was in the house of CANNIBAL BUNNIES!!! (Yes, there are three exclamation marks there.) If only he had used his head…


 …but now it was too late. The Cannibal Bunnies removed his head, perhaps to be used for leftovers, or perhaps for a special bunny-head dessert. In a short time, the Cannibal Bunnies could be seen enjoying their specially invited guest.


While it is clearly too late for our bumbling bunny friend to learn a helpful lesson, each of you, dear readers, can take warning. Beware of the CANNIBAL BUNNIES. If they invite you over for dinner, use your head, otherwise they may use your head instead – for dessert.

Thanks,

Marc

ESNG (AI Edition) - Secret Lives of the Setup Techs - Episode 4

April 18, 2017

To All Setup Techs Everywhere,

  In the last month, K. and Marc were exposed as being vampire-setup techs. They were lead to believe that Applied Imaging still had a place for them. Little did they know that it was all a trick. Their own manager was plotting against them, and would use his setup techs, one of them in particular, as his tool of betrayal. Wood stakes were carved by the very hand of their manager. Those stakes were then kept for an opportune time in the GR setup room by the oldest and wisest of the GR setup techs. When K. and Marc arrived Thursday, the day of their supposed team outing, they discovered that they had really arrived at their doom. It didn’t take long until…


…the deed was done. It appears that the vampire-setup techs are no more.

It is with sorrow in our heart and tears in our eyes that we close this episode of Secret Lives of the Setup Techs. This episode was brought to you by Kleenex, a company which wipes tears as well as noses.

Thanks,

Marc

ESNG (AI Edition) - Secret Lives of the Setup Techs - Episode 3

April 12, 2017

To all subscribers (willing or otherwise) to the ESNG (AI Edition),

  The secret lives of setup techs continue to be exposed. Since the time he first saw Marc’s face, B.M. has been searching the internet. “I know that face from somewhere.”
 

He knew that when he found what he was looking for, it would be obvious. After weeks of intense research, B.M. has finally uncovered Marc’s secret identity:


Captain Obvious.

B.M., being the upstanding manager that he is, didn’t use this information to blackmail Marc. He knew that the truth must come out. People have a right to know. So he emailed the picture so that it would be publicly posted in the warehouse in Novi.

When the intrepid ESNG reporter asked Marc for a comment for this article, he said, “Captain Obvious, now that’s a name I haven’t heard in a long time, a long time. Do I know Captain Obvious? Of course I know him. He’s me.”

Thanks,

Marc

ESNG (AI Edition) - Secret Lives of the Setup Techs - Episode 2

April 10, 2017

To All Concerned Setup Techs Out There (and perhaps a few other discerning readers of important information),

  Approximately two weeks ago, this very gazette (that’s what the “G” stands for in ESNG in the subject line) published an article exposing K.’s double life as a vampire and a setup tech. K. thought he could hide his secret, but the intrepid reporters of the ESNG always get to the heart of every issue.

However, since the time of that ground-breaking article, I have not been able to sleep well. A guilty conscience is a poor sleeping pill. So now I must come clean. I have a confession to make. The truth is –


– I am a vampire-setup-tech, too. It is with great relief that I finally confess this, as trying to live a secret life is such a trying burden each and every day.

I have already let S. know about this. She has been very supportive and has told me that as long as we refrain from biting co-working (and get fang-dulling dental surgery before the company meeting), Applied Imaging will always have a place for us.

What a wonderful company to work for!

I hope you have enjoyed this in depth and heart-felt report on the secret lives of the setup techs.

Thanks,

Marc

ESNG (AI-Edition) - Secret Lives of Setup Techs - Episode 1

March 27, 2017

To any concerned setup technicians, and others,

  This morning, K.'s secret life was finally uncovered, or rather unboxed.




It seems that he leads a double life - A setup tech by day and a vampire by night. This morning, those two worlds finally collided. Thankfully (for K. especially), Applied Imaging has a place under its roof even for vampire-technicians.



Sleep well, K., or should I say, Count K.

Thanks,

Marc